Ask Lara.

Careerless and Unfulfilled

2010-07-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,

I have a little issue I'm wrestling with -- finding a job/career that I care
about moderately and can make a decent living doing. I've had 'career' type jobs
since college, but have never felt fulfilled or that I was utilizing a good
chunk of my talents and gifts. It is a huge question that I don't expect you to
answer, but I would LOVE some sort of steps I could take to start chopping this
huge question down to more moderately-sized ones.

Basically Lara, how can I start matching myself to a more fulfilling position
without a) going back in time and completely getting a different education or b)
going back to school?

Sincerely,
Careerless and Unfulfilled...

Dear Careerless and Unfulfilled,

How well do you feel you know yourself? I think that is the first step in figuring out what may be next for you in terms of your career. It also sounds like you have had several positions over the years that may also help guide you to your ultimate goal. You will need to spend a good amount of time assessing these past positions to determine what you liked and disliked about them. Be specific. Did you like working with a team of people? Did your prefer to work independently? What things about a position motivated you or got you excited to get up and get to work? What things about a position kept you up at night or contributed to feelings of anxiety and frustration?

We all know that there are good things and bad things about every job. However, feeling fulfilled is extremely important and I believe that taking a look at your past may bring you closer to feelings of fulfillment in your future endeavor. I also think it is important to acknowledge that each of your prior positions have helped you in some way to determine your ultimate fit.

Have you taken any career tests? This may be another option for you in assessing your career needs based on your personality. There are a number of options that you can take online like this test found here. Check a few out and see if they help you to learn something about yourself you don't already know.

You can also take this a step further and meet with a career counselor who is licensed to offer specialized career testing that will be analyzed by a professional. While this would be an investment, it should help you with the process in determining where you belong in the working world. Two tests that are well-known and offered by a number of counselors are the The Birkman Method and the Myers Briggs Personality Test.

I hope these offer some places to start in your search for a fulfilling career. Good Luck!

Best,
Lara

I'll do it tomorrow... I swear.

2010-07-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,

I have a problem with procrastination and motivation. There are many things I want to do to take control of the direction of my life, but can't seem to take that first step. Maybe it's a fear of failing or giving up something I'm accustomed to, to make time for the new thing, I don't know. But, I have goals of exercising, of writing, of learning new computer programs to advance my career, but, I keep coming up with excuses to start next Monday. I even try to tell myself sit down, make a calender and hold myself accountable, but even that doesn't get done. What am I doing that is keeping me from succeeding in this, what can I do to accomplish my goals?

Sincerely,

I'll do it tomorrow... I swear.

Dear I'll do it tomorrow,

Procrastination is something that everyone has faced at one time or another. That monkey on your back tugging at you trying to convince you to finish something. That paper in college that absolutely needed ALL NIGHT to complete including the multiple Dunkin Donuts runs and worthless trips to the library. Course these days, kids are probably finding much better ways to procrastinate including Facebook, Blogging and Tweeting. Can you imagine having that to battle nowadays? And, I digress...

Let us first understand exactly what procrastination is. This is what Wikipedia had to say:

Procrastination refers to the counterproductive deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite such behavior as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision.

Procrastination may result in stress, a sense of guilt and crisis, severe loss of personal productivity, as well as social disapproval for not meeting responsibilities or commitments. These feelings combined may promote further procrastination. While it is regarded as normal for people to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning.

Procrastination is indeed a vicious cycle. The dread of starting the task leading to the dread of not completing the task leading ultimately to the dread of letting others and yourself down. I believe that much of this begins with our self-esteem. In order to begin a task we need to feel empowered that we can actually do the task. This is why it is easier to break tasks down to simpler components. You mention exercise. That is a fairly broad term. If it were that easy we would all be Billy Blanks and call it a day. Start with manageable expectations for yourself. Take a walk. Go for a hike. Do something you enjoy. Acknowledge that exercise is good for your self-esteem in that it helps to clear your head and boost your levels of serotonin. Set a realistic goal for yourself and go from there.

Understanding yourself better may also assist with becoming more goal oriented. Are you stressed? Feeling overwhelmed? Lacking in resources for completing various tasks? Struggling with symptoms of anxiety? All of these things work against you. In some cases you may be able to do some work to alleviate some of these variables. Are you getting enough sleep (approx. 7 hours per night) and eating right? These may sound obvious but it is important to make an honest assessment of your habits and ensure you're taking care of your fundamental needs.

Making a list is a really good start. If your goals are to exercise, learn a new program and put some time into your writing, then start with what you know. Figure out the resources you'll need to assist you with completing the tasks you aren't sure about and start small. As you start to accomplish the small goals you will appreciate the sense of satisfaction and feel motivated to keep going. We are results driven species. As you start to cross things off your list you should feel empowered to continue. Starting is the hardest part. But, once you begin you get the momentum going and thus comes the reward.

Motivation and drive are not always innate qualities. Sometimes we also need a little outside support. Our loved ones (while usually have our best interests in mind) aren't always capable of offering the right kind of support. What might motivate them may not motivate you. That's ok. And, if you need some external support (and all of us do) perhaps it's time to utilize another perspective. How and where you find that is up to you. It may be a self-help book about procrastination or a friend or mentor you trust. It may even be the unbiased opinion of a professional. You know, Freud was definitely onto something with his theory behind "on the couch". Talking to someone is simpler than you may think and many companies provide Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) that provide several sessions as part of your insurance benefit. Use it. It's there for a reason. Many of us encounter various times in our life when figuring out our next direction in life requires some deeper thought, consideration and external guidance.

This was a fantastic question that surely many if not all readers can relate. Thank you for sending it along. I hope that I was able to give you a brief overview of some things to consider. Best of luck to you and congrats on taking your first step to attaining a goal. Talking about it.

Best,
Lara

Let Us Give Thanks...

2010-07-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara:

This is the season of gift giving to brides, graduates, birthdays, baby showers, etc. and it seemed appropriate to toss you the question of " what is the "proper" way to say thank you for someone's generosity?" Gift giving is a big thing in our society and it is expected that when there is a happy celebration, appropriate dollars and time be spent to wish either the bride, graduate or new birth sincere, and generous, congratulations. However, no matter the age of the recipient, it seems that sometimes gifts are not acknowledged and it leaves the gift giver feeling disappointed, unhappy and even angry that their "gift" and dollars spent were so insignificant as to not deserve a "thank you" or some acknowledgement within a month of having received the gift. What is with this "new" generation of no manners??

It would seem that we live in the instant communication generation and while a thank you note has long been the appropriate response, even a phone call or text message, email, or tweet is better than absolutely nothing. What would your thoughts be on how to handle this lack of manners? Do you let it go or actually call and ask "by the way, did you receive the check I sent??"

signed:

DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU ANY MANNERS?

(yes, Mom gets blamed for this, too)

Dear Manners,

Several years ago I received a phone call from one of my parents' friends asking if I had received their wedding gift. This was approximately 6 months after our wedding and I was taken completely off guard. I had that OMG feeling did I forget to send a thank you note moment. Turns out, I never received their gift. She had ordered me some fancy bed linens from a catalog company that I simply never got. I was so glad she called.

Since that situation I always wonder if people receive the gifts that I send them and become concerned once I haven't received a thank you note. Truth is, many people are careless about thank you notes and fail to get them out in appropriate time. I have always tried to get notes out in a timely manner (my mother taught me well) but I am sure there have been times when I have failed and waited too long or forgotten altogether.

So, to answer your question, yes, I think you are completely entitled to ask someone the next time that you see them if they received the gift that you sent. I think it's best to wait until you see them in person. But, if it really bothering you and has been 4 months since you sent the gift - then call and ask away.

Take a look at the following rules of the road from About.com when it comes to thank you note rules and regs:

Always send notes in the following situations:

Wedding gifts.
For sympathy letters, flowers, or mass cards.
To the hostess after a party that was hosted in your honor.
For bridal or baby shower gifts.
For gifts that were received by mail.
After being entertained by your boss.
Gifts received during a hospital stay.
After being hosted as a houseguest for one or more nights (unless it's a close relative or friend who is doing the hosting).
For notes or gifts of congratulations.

Timeliness is extremely important. Notes should be sent within a week of receiving a gift. Wedding gift thank you notes should be sent within 3 months of receiving a gift. Patients should send thank you notes once they feel well or a family member or friend should call or send a thank you note. If you forget, it's never too late to send a note. Just be sure you send one. Calls and emails are also permitted - but a handwritten note is always preferred.

Thanks for your question!

Lara

Dear Lara,

I just realized that I forgot to write a thank you note for a gift that I received from a close friend over a year ago. I'm mortified, but hoping the gift-giver thinks it might have been lost in the mail or simply didn't notice. Should I mention it to them and admit my faux pas or move on?

Sincerely,

Tacky Gift Receiver

Dear Tacky,

I think that honesty is always the best policy. You mention that this is a close friend. So, I assume that if you brought this up to her and apologized for your faux pas she would appreciate your honesty. Chances are she has moved on, but it could do you no harm to bring it up and let her know that it's been on your mind. Now, if this were the case and you were not close with the friend who sent the gift. I think you could always drop a note in the mail and offer a belated thanks. While it's important to get notes out in a timely fashion, it is simply never too late to offer thanks.

Best,

Lara

Mother of the Bride Color Conundrum

2010-06-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara:
My daughter is getting married in July. I have spent a ton of time looking for a dress and finally found one that looks good on me, but it's black, which I've heard is not appropriate. The bridesmaids are wearing beautiful short stone dresses. The groomsmen will be in black tuxes. The flowers are ivory and pinks. Champagne and latte colors don't look great on me and I don't want to wear a color which might make me stand out . The groom's mom is wearing taupe.

Would black be appropriate for a July wedding? The reception will be in the evening and in the city. Please help!

Sincerely,
Mom of the Bride

Dear Mother of the Bride,

I applaud you for taking a critical eye to this situation and assessing what would be most appropriate. Too often mothers and mothers in law fail to spend the time and energy dressing appropriately for such a big occasion. After all, this milestone is a very large one for you too and you should also be soaking in some of the spotlight.

You mention several key factors which make black absolutely appropriate. While it is not the most summery of colors, the wedding is downtown and takes place during the evening. The colors your daughter chose (which sound so lovely) are also formal and would be perfectly complemented next to black. Finally, it sounds like this dress looks great on you. That is most important. As long as you aren't wearing a color anywhere within the white or off white family (never trump the bride!!) you are just fine. If you feel great you will be that much more comfortable throughout the night.

Congratulations to you and the bride to be. Sounds like a gorgeous and very special night ahead. I am certain you will look spectacular!

Oh, and for a little more reinforcement on the matter - I decided to see what Emily Post had to say. Check out her updated list of wedding rules and regs right here.

Black Dress Approved!
Lara

Returning the Favor

2010-06-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara

Last week, we found ourselves in a babysitter jam. I ended up calling a friend who has two grown boys and was more than happy to help. Of course, she would not accept payment on what ended up being a longer evening than expected (my husband ended up working until 9 PM so we ended up getting home at the same time). My husband and I want to do something to thank her. Suggestions?

Sincerely,
Returning the Favor

Dear Returning the Favor,

What a great friend. These days I don't think people without kids understand just what a big deal it is when others watch our kids. Be it grandparents, siblings, neighbors, whatever. It's a huge relief - not only because you trust them - but well, because they're cheap! Sitters range in pay from 8 dollars an hour (for the young ones) on up to 20 dollars per hour which leaves for a very pricey night out. We have had some fabulous neighbors, friends and family care for our little one sans pay and here are some things that I have done to repay them.

~ For the brief afternoon 2 hour sit I have given a friend a Starbucks card for 10-15 dollars. They LOVED this.

~ For our amazing neighbors who have spent some evenings up in our place while we get out - we ordered and paid for their dinner.

~ For parents who have accepted and cared for our child in their home while we go out of town we have gotten a sitter and taken them for dinner.

I get it. It's hard to give a friend cash... but gift cards are an easy and thoughtful payback for friends and family. Everybody goes to Starbucks and Target so those may be some good gift cards to have in bulk and on hand for when you want to pass along a thank you for sitting...or any other favor for that matter. I also think that treating your friend to lunch or dinner is always a super nice gesture that they cannot refuse... especially when you grab the check before they have a chance ;) Oh, and a nice bottle of wine is usually always a good option as well. Who doesn't love a little vino?

Lastly, the good ole' thank you note can never be underestimated. Some of your friends may truly not want you spend any of your hard earned cash on the hand they lent. Dropping a well thought out thank you note in the mail goes a long way. People love to get mail that isn't a bill and it surely delivers a message that shows how much their favor meant to you.

Hope this helps and thanks for returning the favor and furthering good karma for the rest of us!

Cheers,
Lara

Mac Baby

2010-06-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,

My son, who is less than 1 1/2 years old, really likes computers. He is obsessed with our laptop, our cell phones, anything with a screen that lights up. Clearly, I can't let him have at these devices due to fear of breakage, battery eating, etcetera, but I'm wondering if there is anything out there that I can buy him that simulates that screen lighting up bit that he loves so much that I can leave him alone with for more than one minute.

At Home IT Department

Dear At Home IT,

So funny you should ask, as we are experiencing the same thing with our little one. He seems particularly drawn to my husband's new iPad which is a big no no as that seems entirely too fragile for his careless little paws. My husband and I actually said that Apple should come up with an "iBaby" if you will that would provide little ones with a gadget of their own they could play with. However, there are a couple of things to consider here before we go off and encourage our tots to stand in line at the Apple store.

1. They want EVERYTHING we have. If it's your iPhone, Blackberry, laptop, stuffed olive, or shot of whiskey (yes, we typically feast on stuffed olives and whiskey nightly) - they not only want to see it - they want to grab it, eat it, drink it and consume it in every way possible. Therefore, this could mean that your latest electronic "baby" purchase could very well find its way into the heap of other toys collecting throughout the corners of your home while your little guy continues to eat the keys off your laptop.

2. Do toddlers really need "gadgets"? I mean... whatever happened to the old fashioned puzzle, lego and stacking rings? I'm just as guilty as the next guy when it comes to being on my laptop too much and obsessing over my latest text on the old Blackberry. I surely do not want my child to start those habits in his under 2 years of existence. Can you imagine... he'll be texting before he talks!!

3. I sound old and boring now don't I? I don't mean to. I certainly want my son to be far more technically savvy than I am - and he will be without a doubt given what's out there today. I just want him to be able to create his own fun before he's totally bombarded with gadgets at every turn. Though I must admit... this laptop seems pretty awesome.

As for some other flashy toys... give this Top Toy List a whirl and see what makes your little guy light up until he's ready for his own mini Mac.

Best,
Lara

Not a Fan of My MIL

2010-05-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,

My Mother-In-Law is not my favorite person in the world, though to her credit she is technically sane, and usually fairly nice. She is in love with our little boy, her grandson, 1 year old. From the start, she has pressed me for babysitting time and "time alone" with the little guy, to which I happily obliged. However, I began to see that she and I were not on the same wavelength when it came to caring for our child. She was unsupportive of me breastfeeding, she would not hug or comfort him when he cried as I left, she would bring her book to read and expect him to play on his own. Both my husband and I had some talks with her about these things, though it never improved. This all got under my skin, but I looked the other way because she is family.

Then, just today, I came home from running some errands while she had been watching him. I arrived home to a sobbing, bruised little boy. He hit his face on the edge of something while she was "watching" him while he played (she had been reading her book). My little cherub's cheek is now black and blue, just in time for his 1st birthday party. I know kids will fall, get bruises and scrapes, but I feel this was just negligence on her part. I don't want to leave my baby with her anymore, but I feel stuck since she is family. What to do?

Best,
Not a Fan of My MIL

Dear Not a Fan,

Well, it's about time I field a mother-in-law question! It seems as though many women deal with complicated and frustrating issues with their mother-in-laws. It's a very complex relationship. We are asked when we marry to literally merge two families together. Imagine that. Years of traditions, recipes, styles, holidays, inside jokes, habits, etc are merged together, considered a "family" and henceforth we have in-laws. In most families there tends to be tension among in-laws because humans aren't always great with change. We like our traditions. We like the way that our mothers cook for us. We want things to be like how we know them to be - not how another mother from a whole other family wants them to be. Likewise, MILs want to remain "motherly." They want their sons to love them, pay attention to them and respect them. So, this relationship often takes another hard hit once grandchildren enter the picture. We understand that our MIL's have a fundamental right to bond and spend time with their grandchildren. However, the lines can get a little fuzzy when it comes to how they treat the child versus how you want your own child to be treated. This boils down to a respect issue. Is your mother-in-law respecting your wishes as a parent?

In this situation, the answer is no. I commend you for raising these concerns with your mother-in-law along with your husband. I think the best way to do that (and it sounds as if this is what you have already done) is to confront your mother-in-law together with your husband - BOTH of you must be present to have the conversation. It's always good to be appreciative for the things that she does well - it's nice of her to watch your son for you, etc. Build her up a bit and encourage the good behaviors. In order to discourage the negative behaviors - use "WE" statements. We feel that is most important for our son to have a sense of consistency. Therefore, we would appreciate it if you would pay closer attention to him when he plays. Lately he has become very mobile and we are concerned with him getting into something he shouldn't or taking a tumble that isn't necessary. Sometimes it's even nice to blame the Doctor (a great tip I learned). "Our Dr. is constantly reminding us how quickly thing can happen at our son's age - that we must keep a very careful eye on him at all times."

Now, if you have had these conversations with her and they have proven to not be productive, I think your only option is to not allow her to watch your son when you are not present. Simply refrain from asking her to babysit. If she asks you to babysit, let her know that you have not had a need and come up with a time for you and your husband to have a discussion with her regarding your reasons. That you feel as if you both have told her several times that your son requires more attention and that you feel your wishes are not being respected. You have every right to set boundaries as a parent and as a daughter-in-law. I think that we often feel intimated and concerned over what our MILs think of us. Well, it's far more important to stand up for what you believe is in the best interest of your child. Sometimes, everyone needs a little "come to Jesus" in order to recognize their behaviors. Hopefully, your MIL will come to respect your wishes. Hopefully she will recognize that her relationship with her grandson is at stake and that she needs to make some adjustments in order to be the good grandma she surely wants to be.

Best of Luck,
Lara

Feeling Effed, again?

2010-05-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,

I received a ticket in the mail last night for a red light violation. Apparently I made a right turn on a red light without stopping. Ok, ok, there are pictures online to prove it. Big Brother is indeed watching... guilty as charged. Problem is, this happened on March 3rd and this is the first I'm learning of this ticket. My ticket has since doubled and is in Final Determination. I now owe a whopping 200 bucks for something I never knew I did until yesterday. I called the City. They claim to have sent me 2 other notices of which I never received. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Yourself

Dear You,

I know that you have exhausted your options. You've spoken with the City. You've visited your local post office and filed a formal complaint against your mail carrier. There is nothing else you can do. Breathe deeply. Painfully remind yourself that life isn't fair... something you will try with all your might to never use as a lame excuse for your children. And move on. Yes, pay the damn City of Chicago more money they don't deserve and believe that they most likely never mailed you two other notices to begin with in the hopes that they would ultimately get that 200 bucks. Screw you Mayor Daly and the USPS. There, does that help??

Sincerely,
Feeling effed - But moving on

To Friend or Not to Friend

2010-05-14T13:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,

A guy I used to "date" friended me on Facebook. I haven't seen him for years. Things ended strangely when I found out he was also hooking up with a friend of mine (neither of us knew). We've both moved on, married, had kids, and I don't hold a grudge. I have not accepted the request. On one hand my pride makes me want to accept it to show him that I don't care and see what an awesome life I have now. On the other, I want him to know that he's a loser. Any advice?

Sincerely,

To Friend or Not to Friend?

Dear To Friend or Not to Friend,

Interesting situation. As there are many of us that encounter the whole "oh crap, my ex is on FB - do I really want to be 'friends' with him?" But, your scenario is a bit more peculiar. I'm assuming he never learned that you and your friend both knew about his conniving ways?? Either way, I am not going to give you an answer on this one. Rather, I am going to discuss the potential outcome of either choice you make.

1. You accept the Friendship - We'll call your guy Joe to keep things simple. Joe could also have an awesome life. You could meander into his FB world and learn that he has two perfect children, a perfect wife and gorgeous home with a picket fence and a designer dog to boot. While you may no longer have any lingering feelings for this fellow, I feel as though you (being the highly ethical and strong woman you sound to be) would want his wife to know of his past scandalous ways. I mean, once a cheater always a cheater, right? Now, how do you handle this situation in your own head? I fear it may consume you for another day or two which could totally distract energy from more useful places such as your new garden you should be planting and that book you've been meaning to finish. Now, on the other hand, Joe's life could be a mess. His wife a toad and two rotten children clearly the type to smack yours in the face for no reason. Does this really make you a happier, better person? To know of his life - whichever it may be - does it really have any impact on yours at all? If it does indeed make you feel better, motivate you to work on your garden and practice better breathing techniques in yoga... then by all means, friend away.

2. Ignore that Mo Fo - And he will get the picture that you have no interest in him. After all, he was the one cyber pursuing you, correct? I'm also guessing you have an uber hot profile picture up that he has seen and appreciated. Thinking to himself, "wow, that girl looks great. Wonder what she's up to these days?" Harmless I suppose. But, how much do you really want this guy knowing about you? While he may be able to see your awesome life, he also learns more about you. Your family. Your job. Your photos. And, the list goes on. What does Joe need that info for? Does "ignoring" him imply that you are simply on to bigger and better things in life? Or, does it make him think you just never check your FB account? Tricky.

There you have it. I've laid out some potential outcomes for you and hopefully guided you toward the best choice for you. Do keep me posted as to what you decide. And whatever you choose, may you tread lightly among the waves of Ex-boyfriend FBLand.

Best,

Lara

Ugh, another gift to buy?!

2010-05-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,
What's the proper etiquette for gift giving for second, third, FOURTH babies? I have a list a mile long of baby gifts I need to buy for friends that have recently had babies, but I sometimes find it's getting out of hand when some friends are starting to get up to #4. Love my friends and want to celebrate their new little ones - any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Ugh, another gift to buy?!

Dear Ugh,
I hear you. Loud and clear. The gift thing gets to be out of control when it comes to weddings, showers and now... multiple sets of babies. It's hard because they seem to pile up and then you feel like you can't ever go a week without feeling like you owe somebody a gift.

I am not suggesting that it best to be an Indian giver but perhaps in situations with multiple babies it's something to consider. You may have a best friend that you rarely exchange gifts with when a random neighbor is always giving things to your kids. In those situations I think that it's important to return the favor. For each gift you have gotten - you should probably return the gesture.

Now, if you are wanting to set the stage for what and when to give a gift I think you should create your own personal system. For example, for first babies you give one gift at a shower or when the baby is born. For each additional baby, I think it's more than enough to either simply send a card or send a small gift such as a book, crib toy, frame, etc. Also, a great place to find nice inexpensive gifts for babies is TJ Max or Marshalls - I had no idea how much they have for little ones - but it's a great place to start for gifts.

Not long ago I was out getting a gift for someone. A girl at the store showed me something I really loved - but it was over the $50 dollar limit I had set in my head for the gift. I almost purchased the gift when I finally turned to the saleswoman and said, "you know, I just didn't want to spend that much. Can you show me something closer to the $50 dollar range?" She said, "of course, it's important to set boundaries - I completely understand." Setting boundaries, while hard to always do when shopping is so important especially when gift shopping. This way you never have regrets. I have purchased too many gifts that I felt were never appropriately appreciated nor reciprocated. Stay within your own bounds and you will never go wrong when showing generosity to others.

Best,
Lara

Bra-nundrum

2010-05-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,
I am 4 months pregnant and in dire need of bras, as I've grown 2 cup sizes already, but I don't want to spend too much on bras I may never wear again. I've researched this all over the internet and get no useful answers. Should I be looking at nursing bras now (some said you can find ones that expand as you grow), and some say not to buy nursing bras until a few weeks before you're due (makes sense). I don't even know what kind of store to start with (ones that sell regular bras? ones that sell maternity/nursing bras?). I did get a professional fitting yesterday (at a professional lingerie store), so I know my size. I bought one of their bras but it was $120. They suggested not to buy nursing bras until later, and I was mostly satisfied with the comfort and style of their bras, but $120 each is just too much.

Sincerely,
Bra-nundrum

Dear Bra-nundrum,

I would love to share a personal experience with this question - as I am hoping this answer could potentially help others to learn from my mistake.

It is perfectly normal to grow throughout your pregnancy. So with that I would check out the bras at Kohl's. They are always on sale and there is a good selection of affordable bras that you can use and then re-use in future pregnancies. As for nursing bras - I did not purchase any nursing bras prior to having my son. I was told to take a few nursing tanks to the hospital. I found some at Target - but I found them to be small and uncomfortable. I ended up buying a more expensive brand from a great store in Chicago called Be By Baby The people who work there are incredibly knowledgeable and easy to talk to regarding nursing. Nursing tanks work well in the hospital and those first few days you are home getting acquainted with nursing.

Your breasts change dramatically that first month after you have a baby. Note: this may not be the case for all women depending on your milk supply and natural breast size. Your milk doesn't come in until 3-4 days after you have the baby. Then WHAM you have some giant girls that are hard to walk with let alone stuff into a bra. These will not be your permanent nursing ta tas. Your milk will slow down and your Dolly Partons will shrink to a more natural size within a couple of weeks of nursing.

As for my personal experience... well, let's just say I learned a lot from this mistake. The minute I had my son I sent my poor husband to Be By Baby on a mission for nursing bras. He came home with some great options that the wonderful owner of the store had suggested. I liked these so much, I went back to the store and bought more. HOWEVER, I was also deep in the trenches of nursing hell and thought that buying an endless supply of expensive nursing bras would ease all of my pains and somehow cure my little one of his latching woes caused by his Tongue Tie (he's perfectly fine, now).

So, 12 days into nursing I learned that I physically could no longer nurse and that my child was in some serious need of food. I've got 3 nursing tanks and 5 designer nursing bras (great brand by the way can be found here ) that I used for 12 days. So, please, get used to the whole nursing thing before you splurge on bras. Wait a month or so to be sure they are comfy and fit you well. Check out Be By Baby.

AND, most importantly, do not put too much pressure on yourself for a blissful nursing experience. While that bliss does exist for some, it does not exist for all new mothers and however you feed your baby will be perfect for you and your little one. Congratulations on your pregnancy and happy first Mother's Day to you!

Breast,

Lara

Hostess on the Fly

2010-05-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,

Last weekend our friends "were in the area" and dropped in for a last minute visit. I had 30 minutes notice and wanted to throw together an appetizer, but had no idea where to begin. We've recently moved to the suburbs and I feel like this happens often, with neighbors stopping by or inviting us over for a cocktail on the fly. Can you recommend a quick and easy, crowd-pleasing appetizer that I can always have ingredients at the ready to whip up in a snap?

Sincerely,

Hostess on the Fly

Dear On the Fly,

I think it's wise to always have a block of cheese like some brie, manchego, etc in your hydrator - even some "rat cheese" will do (aka - swiss). Set it out with a little dish of whatever type of jam you have in your fridge along with some crackers and fruit - and voila - a nice impromptu feast for you and your guests to nosh on.

Now, if you want to step it up a notch - I just tried this yummy appetizer with some fabulous friends of ours and we were much like vultures leaning over the dish shoveling it into our mouths as fast as we possibly could. I don't think our husbands or babies took breaths between bites - yes, the babes even liked it! I must give credit to my amazing mom - as the recipe may be found within her cookbook Winning Courses. Note: while this piece of culinary delight may not be found at your nearest book store - I am certain she has boxes of it she'd love to hand over from her basement ;) It's a great book - fast and easy recipes from the heart (and my childhood!) This recipe much like most others in the book is great because there are just a few ingredients and they are easy to have on hand.

Tart Ole'
1 block of softened cream cheese (I use light and it's just as good)
1 can of Hormel No Bean Chili
2 bunches of green onion chopped
1 red pepper diced
3/4 cup shredded sharp chedder cheese

Now, spread the cream cheese along the bottom of a pie plate or square baking dish. Then, layer each ingredient in the order listed above and bake in a 350 degree oven for 20 minutes until the cheese is melted and bubbling - serve with tortilla chips - and I promise you and your guests will finish every last morsel - we sure did!

There are more great recipes where this comes from... let me know if you're interested and I can direct you to Chef Anne for a copy of her book. Thanks mom, for writing this book, and for teaching me to cook!

Happy Mother's Day!

Lara

Control Freak

2010-05-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara-
I'm a full time working mom with a lot of friends and outside interests. I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed and can't seem to tackle even half of my to-do list. Lately, I just wish I could get my head above water!

Here's the thing: I don't delegate. I know I could probably give my husband some tasks, but I am a complete control freak and like to be in charge of everything. When I do let anyone else do things I always find something wrong with it. I hate that I do this, I just can't help myself.

Any ideas of how I can de-stress and lighten up?

Sincerely,
Control Freak

Dear Control Freak,

As I read your question I couldn't help but recall something a friend shared with me years ago. I hope she reads this - because it had a great impact on me long before I had a child and could totally understand what she was saying. She too was struggling with lending over some responsibility to her husband. She told me that it was nearly impossible to watch her husband put a diaper on their daughter - that it took him nearly 4 times longer than her to accomplish this feat. BUT - she said that she would take a deep breath, walk in the other room and try really hard to just let him do it his way. Otherwise, she could be stuck with a husband that wouldn't even bother to try let alone help with the kids at all. Besides, is it really that big of deal if it's done his way? If it takes longer? If it's a little less efficient? Nobody will get hurt and ultimately he's spending more time with his new daughter and gaining more confidence along the way.

Mothers in particular seem to struggle with this control problem. I imagine that if I asked my mother if she could change anything when looking back on her child-rearing years that she too would say, "I wish that I would have just let things go easier, not gotten so worked up at times and allowed my family to just be." I find myself doing the same thing. We want things done a certain way because we have created a system for our households to follow and we are certain that we know what is best for everyone.

But here's the key issue - I am certain that you want to encourage your children to become resourceful and grow up with confidence. Therefore this "control" issue can really have a two-fold consequence. First, your children begin to see that you rarely trust their father to do anything, and when you do delegate a task to him, they will see you critiquing him and not thinking he is good enough. Second, as you begin to allow them to do certain things they too will feel they are not up to par and will struggle with finding that inner confidence they need in order to accomplish tasks. Again, I think that a lot of this "need to control" comes from somewhat of a good place. But, it is so important to remind yourself that you don't always know what's best for someone or something else. That there are many ways to skin a cat. That you aren't ALWAYS right. And again, if someone else messes up - it's a reflection of them - not YOU. We all make mistakes - it helps us to improve and grow. Allow your kids/husband/co-workers/dog/etc to make their own mistakes. You cannot carry everyone along... and besides, you'd be doing them the disservice of that awesome thing that happens when we mess up. We learn. We grow. We become better. We are challenged.

So, I urge you to think of the consequences before you question. Lightening up is much easier said that done. Control is a direct response to fear and if you let go of trying to control someone you empower them to build strength from within and that is a pretty amazing thing. If you can talk yourself through the situation imagining both the best case and worse case outcomes and recognize that the worse case really ain't so bad, I'm sure you will be able to hand over some of that responsibility. Loosen the reigns, delegate the task, and seriously examine the positive and negative impact your two cents could potentially have on the overall situation. The bottom line is that you simply cannot do it all. Besides, your family needs to feel a part of things as well and appreciate the work that needs to be done. Once you let go of your own expectations you may be surprised... as they may even accomplish the task better than you.

Best,
Lara

Shower Hostess Hoping for the Mostest

2010-04-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara -

I am hosting another baby shower for my friend next weekend, and not sure how to make it "super fun" in that she doesn't want games, etc, and is almost embarrassed to open presents in front of people. Are there simple ways I can make this shower more fun? Also, her mother-in-law is flying in from out west - a big deal. Should we do something to say "thanks" for the effort?

Thanks,
"Baby Shower Hostess Hoping for the Mostest"

Dear Hostess with the Mostest,

I think it's great that you want to make this so special for your friend. From what I gather, showers make her feel uncomfortable in that there is a lot of attention focused on her at one time. My suggestion to try to alleviate some of that pressure from her. The more relaxed you are as a host, the more relaxed the guests will be, the family members, etc. You will set the tone for the afternoon and as long as you are comfortable everything else should fall right into place.

If that mom-to-be does not want any games, then do not play them. I think that games can at times feel forced and contrived and it sounds like this mom wants everything and everyone to be natural and comfortable. Similarly, gift-opening can also evoke uncomfortable feelings all around. It's sort of awkward to sit in front of everyone and open gift after gift with a bunch of eyes zoned right in on you. Again, you can take the charge on this and orchestrate everyone to sit down so she can open gifts. Don't make her feel like she needs to do that - she feels strange enough having so many people not only take time out of their day but buying her things as well.

While she is opening gifts, it makes things more comfortable when the people around her are engaged in conversation. Make sure that your chairs are placed close together and provide a warm inviting space for everyone to sit around and chat while mom dives into the packages. I am guessing her belly is a bit cumbersome by now too - so be sure to have a garbage bag for the the wrapping paper close by. It would also make her feel less of a spectacle if she has a close friend or two sitting right near her to pass her gifts and take the wrapping from her. This is crucial. Assign two people who know each other to sit up front and assist mom. That way, she doesn't feel alone and can converse with them without feeling like she's the only one in front.

As for mom-in-law, I suggest that you thank her for coming on your own. I would not draw attention to it - if anyone wants to recognize her for coming from such a distance, it should be her daughter-in-law - not you. Your job as hostess is to thank everyone - I don't think you need to do anything extra or special for her. She obviously wants to be there to share in the special day, and based on the relationship they have, the mom-to-be will make the call on how and when to appropriately thank her.

You sound like a wonderful hostess and great friend to be hosting this special event ~

Happy Showers!
Lara

Chicken Loser

2010-04-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,
I really enjoy cooking and can more than find my way around a kitchen. However, there is one area that always proves difficult for me: cooking chicken. I don't really eat red meat, so healthy boneless, skinless chicken breasts are the protein of choice in my house and I prefer to bake them in the oven since it allows me time to work on other things. Although we eat chicken multiple times each week, I am terrible at cooking with it and and can never tell when it's done. I often overcook it and they end up dry. Is there a way to get perfect chicken every time?

Sincerely,
Chicken Loser

Dear CL,

Ahh... the dreaded chicken breast. I thought about researching some chicken breast recipes for you - but then decided to go ahead with my gut on this and be direct. You sound like a direct kinda person and can take the news. Baked boneless chicken breasts are the WORST. Yep, they are terrible, dry, dense and lack flavor even if you dump a whole bunch of sodium ridden sauce on top of them. Take them out of your cooking repertoire. Here are three fool proof ways to bake yourself some good bird:

1) If you must have a breast - bone-in split chicken breasts are the way to go. Purchase them with the skin ON, throw them on a baking sheet with some olive oil, salt and pepper and bake them for 45 minutes - or until the juices run clear. Then, take the skin off and either shred into your favorite dish or serve as is with some veggies and brown rice. You can find this recipe from Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa) - and I highly recommend using this chicken in her delicious multi-seasonal light and healthy chicken chili.

2) Let's check out the dark side - I make this dish every week and without fail it is my husband's favorite. Purchase one package of boneless skinless chicken thighs. Remove from package, rinse and pat dry. Place all of the thighs in a heavy casserole dish (pre-sprayed with Pam) with a lid - I use a small le crueset pot. Once again, spray the thighs with some Pam and season with Lawrey's Seasoned Salt and some Paprika. Bake in a 375 degree oven (no lid) for 20 minutes. Remove the chicken and cover with one small sliced SWEET onion (always use sweet onions to cook with - as they add so much more flavor), spray with a little more Pam, cover with lid and continue to bake in a 325 degree oven for 1 hour (continue to baste). Again, place these guys over some brown rice and you have a really comforting and healthy chicken dish.

3) Ok guys, let's cook that whole bird! I usually make this on Sundays so I have leftover chicken for sandwiches and salads for the week. Again, rinse and dry your bird very well. Truss his little legs together and tuck back his wings. Season with salt and pepper. Melt a tablespoon or two of butter and brush over the bird. Stuff his little bottom with a bunch of fresh thyme, sliced up sweet onion, a few cloves of garlic and a wedge or two of lemon if you're feeling zesty! Bake that bird at 375 degrees for a little over an hour - again check to see if the juices run clear and if the leg wiggles away easily from the body. Oh, and BASTE BASTE BASTE throughout the cooking process. This bird is so flavorful and juicy it melts in your mouth.

MWAH - bon appetit!
Lara

A Frustrated New Mom

2010-04-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,

Not unlike other first time mothers, I feel like I am juggling ten different glass balls in the air, being a good mother, wife, employee, daugther and sister, while still trying to find some time to take care of myself (as if that will ever happen), and am sure that soon, one of them is going to drop. While my husband is an absolutely wonderful father and husband (he does all of the cooking and his fair share of waking up in the middle of the night with our little one), he only has time for those extra projects that he deems necessary (like cleaning the kitchen top to bottom yesterday even though we pay somebody to come in and clean our house). I feel like I am always running around, never getting a moment to stop and sit down, and it really bothers me when he sits down to watch TV on the weekend or take a nap (of course when the baby is sleeping), because there are other things to get done. I feel like I am going out of of my mind!!! What should I do?

Sincerely,

A frustrated new mom

Dear Mom,

There are two really good questions within this post. So, I'm going to break it apart and address each one separately.

First: How do we manage all of our relationships in our life while maintaining our most important relationship - the one we have with ourselves?

- Make it a point to decide what is most important to you in order to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself. For example, if you know that you need to get to the gym 3 times a week to maintain sanity - make that happen. Or, if you despise cleaning the house - budget a little extra cash to get some cleaning help. Set yourself up for success - not failure. You deserve to make yourself a priority - and by doing that you will be doing a favor for the other important relationships in your life.

Second: How do we effectively communicate these needs with our spouse?

- It is important to set up boundaries with your husband. He needs to know that you feel like you are not having time to take care of your own needs. You may think this is obvious - but it is crucial to understand that mothers and fathers react differently to the changes that a new baby brings. Sit down together and make a list of the most important needs you have separately and together. A great example of a need to establish together is alone time. Ensure that you have at least one date night out set aside per month and one vacation or weekend getaway together twice a year. A happy couple equals a happy baby. Same goes with stuff around the house and needs for the baby. The kitchen may not be a big deal to you - but to your husband it may be more important since he does most of the cooking. Perhaps he needs it to be uber clean all of the time. While this may frustrate you, you can appreciate his "need" and then communicate your need. "Okay, that's fine if you want to clean the kitchen, but before you do that can you please help me clean out the storage space?"

Compromise and Communicate. I know that these things sound simple. But, when was the last time you sat down with your significant other, rattled off your needs, asked them their needs and set up boundaries? This takes time and patience - two things that seem to be increasingly difficult following the changes a new baby brings. I promise that if you make it a point to establish these boundaries - things will improve. Like everything, it will take time.

I always say that the hardest thing about having a baby isn't the baby - it's all of the changes that take place surrounding the baby. So, cut yourself some slack, hire a sitter and go out on a date.

Best,

Lara

Doo Doo Daddy

2010-04-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,

I was giving my daughter a bath and reached for the shampoo. When I turned back, I saw that my daughter had got herself some poo of a different kind. No more tears it was not. I pulled her out of the tub before she came in contact and needed a silkwood shower. I gently cleaned her off but what do I do about the tub toys? They are some of her favorites. Do I need to throw them in the trash? Do I need a new tub?

Signed,

Doo-Doo daddy

Okay maybe I exaggerated a bit, but...

Dear Doo-Doo daddy,

Let me begin by saying you are a great dad. Not only are you getting your hands dirty (pun intended) but you are also reaching out and asking for a little help along the way. Let me also state how impressed I am with your cat-like reflexes in getting your pretty little one out of that filthy water. Now, onto the next steps. I suggest that you dump all of those tub toys into a large basin or bucket filled with cold water and 3/4 of a cup of regular Clorox Bleach. Allow your ducks and tugboats to soak for 5 minutes, rinse with fresh water and air dry. As for the tub - a few squirts of tub and tile cleaner along with a good healthy rinse should do the trick. Hope this helps and best wishes for a future filled with brighter baths and fewer floaters...

Splish Splash,

Lara

Facebook Foe

2010-04-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,

Recently a woman I went to highschool with asked to be my friend on Faceboook. She was the angriest and most aggressive person imaginable in highschool: bleached my friend's yard, physically attacked two of my friends, threatened me with chains, I could go on and on... Generally, she seemed to really enjoy terrorizing my group of friends and was totally unstable mentally. I am absolutely not interested in her friendship and have no plan to accept this request.

However, I've discussed it with my friends and feel like I should not simply "ignore," but let her know why. Her photo is of a bland, happy mom with her three kids, but the person I remember was a deranged sociopath with spiky platinum hair, crazy piercings, a dog collar, and black lipstick. Do you recommend I let her know about the lasting impression she has left on her former classmates or do I let it go and simply ignore her?

Sincerely,

Facebook Foe

Dear FB Foe,

The ole' sociopathic Facebook friender, eh? We've all gotten them. Requests to allow past rejects from our old lives back into our present lives. Dangerous stuff. I mean what if this gal still has it out for you, detects where it is you live, and comes after you and your family one day? Yikes. I applaud you for your decision to ignore her request.

In terms of whether you should let her know about her lasting impression I ask you to consider the good that would do. Do you think that your words could possibly force her to reconsider her past and motivate her to make good on all of the bad things she once did? Perhaps provide her with a greater sense of purpose and channel her past poor behaviors into a life of working at soup kitchens and taking in foster pets? Probably not. If she was a jerk back then, chances are she's still a jerk and cares little for your opinion. Now, on the upside chance that she has not only had a physical makeover but also a personality upgrade, I wonder how such a message from you would impact her. It go either way, really. She could feel remorse and express her deep sorrow for hurting you and others in the past, or, it could re-ignite some pent up anger and she could come after you while you sleep. I wouldn't take that gamble - nor would I put those you love in any possible danger. Leave it alone. Ignore the request and move on with your life. Always consider the consequences and if said consequences could result and any unnecessary drama or harm... walk away. Some things are best left unsaid. And most things from high school should really stay back in high school.

Cheers to the High Road,

Lara

Scrappin' for Scrabble

2010-04-13T07:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara,

I have a close friend who I care deeply about. She and I play Scrabble on a regular basis. Last week she played the word "Tiber", which is a proper noun. Proper nouns are not acceptable Scrabble words. I gave it to her...after all we are buddies. I figured it was a one time thing.

Well, today she made the word "Uncrazy". She simply added "un" to the word "crazy" which I had creatively made earlier in the game. She asked if it was alright...what was I to say?

We will be playing again next Monday. What do you suggest I do if she continues to play fast and loose with the rules?

Thanks!

Scrappin' over Scrabble

Dear Scrappin',

Great question. Don't you hate it when people think they can get away with anything?!? I bet she's one of those who also takes up 2 spaces when parking and leaves her Starbucks cup in the grocery cart. Perhaps it is YOU that she needs in order to start paying more attention to the rules of the world as well as the board.

However, your question is also extremely timely. Did you know that the folks at Mattel have decided as of last week to allow the usage of proper nouns in the game of Scrabble? This is quite a jolt for the Scrabblers of the world. I am not sure when this new rule goes into effect - but until then you can always check for word accuracy here:

http://www.collinslanguage.com/extras/scrabble.aspx

Next game I suggest that you be sure to have your rule/instruction manual on the table or an open laptop with the aforementioned site up and running. Perhaps you could begin by saying to your friend, "You know, I've been questioning some of my word choices lately and decided to go through the instructions more carefully to be sure that I'm following all of the rules. This way we are really challenging ourselves and making the most of our game time together." If she seems resistant, I would continue to keep it on you. The last thing you want is for her to get defensive and angry. It is NO fun to play any game with an angry and defensive player. She could start playing harsh words that would really ruin the fun.

Good Luck!

Lara

Bride to Be

2010-04-12T13:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Lara –

I am planning a wedding and want to get my bridesmaids nice, classy gifts (read: not some cheesy monogrammed candle holder, cheap jewelry or lame-o frame) but something that is useful, fun and something a girl would want. Do you have any suggestions on what would be good and an appropriate price point?

Thanks,

Bride-to-Be

Dear Bride-to-Be,

Congratulations! This is a very exciting time for you and I hope that you are enjoying the planning process. This is a great question. As both a bride and a bridesmaid I can relate to this dilemma. Many brides feel they need to give the girls something to wear to the wedding. However, I do not think that is necessary unless you want them to all look completely identical. Note: if you happen to have a maid or two that has questionable taste - ie they love spiked dog collars and wear nails in lieu of earrings - then perhaps you should stick to the old matching earring and necklace sets. Just bear in mind that you want to stick to something useful - something that says - thank you. Not, thanks for being here now wear this ugly pearl necklace that has everything to do with me and nothing to do with you.

I think that most women love bags. For some reason we always have a lot of stuff and totes can come in handy. You could go preppy and check out the LLBean monogrammed tote www.llbean.com or you could go chic and design bags for each of your gals at Lill Studio www.1154lill.com. Plus, depending your budget, you can always add something to the tote. Ladies always love a new scarf, makeup kit (Sephora may be the greatest place ever and they are known to throw in some extra goodies for you if you tell them what the gifts are for), a great pair of hoop earrings or a fun cuff bracelet. These are some simple basic ideas that most would love and find useful. In terms of price, I think it totally depends on your budget. But, whatever that is, you must decide BEFORE you begin your quest for the perfect gifts. Otherwise, you may find yourself somewhere over-indulging in purchases that aren't necessary. I would think about what the ladies are doing for you. What are they spending on their dresses? Shoes? Travel? Showers? Obviously you should not feel the need to re-pay them. They want to be doing these things for you. But, it's important to show that you are grateful and appreciative. I think $75 is adequate and the rest is up to your budget. You sound like a great bride and these maids will be lucky to be standing by your side on your beautiful day.

Best,

Lara

Ask Me Begins

2010-04-11T10:22:00.001-07:00

So, here it goes. The beginning of my latest endeavor. I have been wanting to begin a blog for some time now but never was sure what I would write about. I wanted it to be interesting of course, but I also wanted it to be interactive and utilize some of the skills that I have as a counselor. A "Dear Abby" advice type column peaked my interest. But, I have a HUGE problem with the word "advice." That word is a no no where my degree comes from. Counselors don't give advice. We provide support and guidance. That's why therapy can be productive for long term problem-solving. Guidance helps to offer you new resources, perspective, and reason on a problem or situation currently stumping you in your daily life.

Now, even though I am a counselor I am not attempting to be YOUR counselor. My intentions are simply to take some knowledge I have, couple it with some experiences I've had and utilize these skills to the best of my ability for the potential betterment of some of you. By no means do I think that I have all of the answers for your foibles, missteps, and challenges. However, I feel strongly about encouraging others to be their best self, to find their way, and to perhaps offer them a different way of viewing something that may prove to be productive in the long run. I have just as many imperfections and flaws as the next guy. But sometimes it's a bit easier to give someone else a crack at your latest distraction. So, send me your conundrums at larakercinik@gmail.com and I will happily take a stab at providing you with another direction, voice, opinion, suggestion, resource or option.